The Onion

The Onion

“When an individual enters their residence, conceals themselves behind a closed door, and attempts to go about their everyday life, they are willfully impeding the important work of law enforcement officers and engaging in domestic terrorism,” said DHS spokesperson Tricia McLaughlin

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Reposts: 701 ▲ 143%

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The Onion

“For weeks, Democrats have pushed to require ICE agents to obtain the necessary judicial warrants ahead of any murders they plan to commit,” House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) said in a joint statement on the current Homeland Security funding bill

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The Onion

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The Onion

Blow your paycheck like a well-informed citizen. https://store.theonion.com/collections/sweatshirts-and-hoodies

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The Onion

Fact-Checking Trump On Greenland https://theonion.com/fact-checking-trump-on-greenland/

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The Onion

Woman Throws Self On Grenade By Answering Call From Dysregulated Friend https://theonion.com/woman-throws-self-on-grenade-by-answering-call-from-dysregulated-friend/

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The Onion

ICE Deems Being In Privacy Of Own Home Obstruction Of Justice https://theonion.com/ice-deems-being-in-privacy-of-own-home-obstruction-of-justice/

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The Onion

Democrats Condemn ICE For Murdering Without Proper Warrants https://theonion.com/democrats-condemn-ice-for-murdering-without-proper-warrants/

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The Onion

“Dad always said he didn’t want his body to just rot in the ground when there was so much humanity could learn by vacuum-sealing it with aromatics in a 135-degree water bath for two hours before finishing with a quick sear,” said Jasper Weaver’s son Jacob

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The Onion

Tim Allen Calls Out Oscars For Failure To Recognize Movies Where Guy Turns Into Dog https://theonion.com/tim-allen-calls-out-oscars-for-failure-to-recognize-movies-where-guy-turns-into-dog/

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The Onion

ICE Agents Wait At Edge Of Delivery Table To Deport Newborn

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The Onion

Trump To Europe: ‘Getting Greenland Was Mr. Dilbert’s Final Wish’

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The Onion

AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once Fun Americans

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The Onion

Medieval Scribe Keeps Forgetting ‘Whence/Whither’ Rule

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The Onion

Horribly Depressed Zookeeper Has Always Had Special Connection With Animals https://theonion.com/horribly-depressed-zookeeper-has-always-had-special-con-1819574509/

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The Onion

Vending Machine Attendant Admits B3 Selection Has Changed A Lot Over The Years https://theonion.com/vending-machine-attendant-admits-b3-selection-has-chang-1819572233/

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The Onion

“It was a simpler time then, back when all people wanted to talk about was the leader of the country molesting underage girls,” said Denver resident Scott Munoz

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The Onion

Real Estate: Red House

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The Onion

Our merchandise is suitable for any and all lifestyles that center around empty material possessions. https://store.theonion.com/collections/tote-bags

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The Onion

Genius Outsmarts Bank By Using Credit Card To Pay Off Other Credit Card https://theonion.com/genius-outsmarts-bank-by-using-credit-card-to-pay-off-other-credit-card/

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The Onion

Stephen Miller Reminds Picky-Eater Son That There Starving Kids In Basement

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The Onion

Explanation Of Board Game Rules Peppered With Reassurances That It Will Be Fun https://theonion.com/explanation-of-board-game-rules-peppered-with-reassuran-1819579569/

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The Onion

Today 45 Years Ago: Reagan May Have Been Elected, Doesn't Recall

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The Onion

Pros And Cons Of Buying Greenland https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-buying-greenland/

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The Onion

This is not a paid advertisement. Subscribe at link in bio or membership.theonion.com to receive the newspaper and see more print-exclusive content.

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The Onion

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The Onion

Two-Star Michelin Restaurant Given One-Star Hygiene Rating https://theonion.com/two-star-michelin-restaurant-given-one-star-hygiene-rating/

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The Onion

Health Speculations Swirl As Trump Seen With Damage Numbers Above Head https://theonion.com/health-speculations-swirl-as-trump-seen-with-damage-numbers-above-head/

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The Onion

Survivors Of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss Of Gas

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