The Onion

The Onion

CEO’s Skill Set Transferable To Any Job That Requires Dumbass To Receive Big Salary theonion.com/ceo-s-s...

Likes: 8338 ▲ 213% Sign in

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The Onion

Mike Lee Stresses He Would Have Posted Same Thing If Own Family Savagely Murdered theonion.com/mike-le...

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The Onion

Cackling NPR Host Warns Upcoming Segment May Feature Content Too Dark, Too Chilling, Too Positively Ghoulish For Young Listeners theonion.com/cacklin...

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The Onion

No One Sure Why Kristi Noem Wearing Firefighter Helmet, Night-Vision Goggles, High Heels, Wet Suit theonion.com/no-one-...

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The Onion

Sabrina Carpenter Undergoes State-Mandated Lobotomy To Cure Nymphomania

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The Onion

Dark times call for reckless purchases. store.theonion.com/c...

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The Onion

Medical Experts Hopeful That Gene Editing Will Soon Allow Sick Kids To Have Super Weird Pets theonion.com/medical...

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The Onion

Happiness is having more material possessions. Check out the Onion Store today. store.theonion.com/c...

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The Onion

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The Onion

Unconditional Love Given To 15-Year-Old Who Just Called Mom A Bitch In Middle Of Hollister theonion.com/uncondi...

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The Onion

Texas Bans Consensual Sex theonion.com/texas-b...

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The Onion

Grandma Concerned About Dinner Roll Count theonion.com/grandma...

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The Onion

What Are Our Dietary Restrictions?

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The Onion

Report: It Probably Fine That 5-Year-Old Just Whizzed By On Lyft Scooter theonion.com/report-...

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The Onion

Man Returning From Near-Death Experience Recalls Angels Making Him Sign NDA theonion.com/man-returnin...

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The Onion

Jane Goodall Returns From Latest Expedition With Annoying Chimp Accent theonion.com/jane-go...

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The Onion

“To any of my fans who were offended by the provocative album artwork, please know that I will be appropriately disciplined by Daddy for being a bad, bad girl,” said the 26-year-old “Espresso” singer theonion.com/sabrina...

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The Onion

Buy an Onion shirt and treat your friends to a clothed upper-body for once. store.theonion.com/c...

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The Onion

Real Estate: Yours, In Exchange For One Night With Your Wife

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The Onion

Texas Doctor Tapes Pregnancy Pamphlet To Comatose Woman’s Forehead

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The Onion

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The Onion

Self-Learning Netflix Algorithm Produces Jeffrey Dahmer Stand-Up Special theonion.com/self-le...

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The Onion

Physicists Discover Never-Before-Seen Particle In Back Of Old Cupboard theonion.com/physici...

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The Onion

Tourist Damages Museum’s Crystal-Covered Chair By Sitting On It theonion.com/tourist...

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The Onion

Allergic Swelling Leaves Kristi Noem’s Face Completely Recognizable

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The Onion

The Onion Celebrates The 50th Anniversary Of 'Jaws'

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The Onion

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The Onion

Passengers At Gate Saddened By Poor Frightened Plane Loose Inside Airport theonion.com/passengers-a...

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The Onion

Grieving War Widow Finds Comfort In Wings Of Drone That Served With Husband theonion.com/grievin...

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The Onion

“Democrats can say what they want about me, but I would have absolutely called the shooter a Marxist and made tasteless digs at Gov. Walz had my loved ones recently been killed in cold blood,” said Mike Lee theonion.com/mike-le...

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The Onion

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The Onion

Find the perfect gift for that special anyone at the Onion Store. store.theonion.com/c...

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The Onion

What To Know About The Diddy Trial theonion.com/what-to...

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The Onion

Salami Brandished

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The Onion

Trump Organization Launches Trump Mobile Cell Phone Service theonion.com/trump-o...

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The Onion

Mom Would Rather Kids Host Freak-Off In Own Basement Instead Of Some Rapper’s House http://theonion.com/...

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The Onion

Mike Lee Stresses He Would Have Posted Same Thing If Own Family Savagely Murdered

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Quotes: 199 ▲ 637%

The Onion

Get a taste of America's Finest Membership. You can now receive the May 2025 issue of America's Finest News Source for almost 50% off the cover price at The Onion Store. store.theonion.com/c...

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The Onion

Commentary: You Sure You’re In The Mood For Another Wes Anderson Film With Everything That’s Going On? theonion.com/you-sur...

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The Onion

Trump Imposes 50% Tariff On Companies That Just Feel Chinese

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The Onion

Woman Giving Birth Assured Everything Looks Gross Down There theonion.com/woman-g...

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The Onion

This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won’t

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The Onion

Gunman Takes Huge Swing   Ordering Hostages Buffalo Chicken Pizza theonion.com/gunman-...

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The Onion

Self-Actualized Historians Urge Nation Not To Get Hung Up On The Past theonion.com/self-ac...

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The Onion

“Huh, that’s odd, but there must be some kind of reason for it, right?” said one of the sources, who frowned as they took in the sight of the overdressed DHS chief adjusting the quiver of arrows she wore over her back. theonion.com/no-one-...

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The Onion

Real Estate: Ah Fuck, They Painted The Brick

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The Onion

Dark times call for reckless purchases. store.theonion.com/p...

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The Onion

GOP Lawmakers Clarify Their Hate-Filled Rhetoric Only Meant To Stoke Fundraising theonion.com/gop-law...

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The Onion

Jeremy Allen White Undergoes Experimental Mouth Enlargement Surgery

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The Onion

Fake Flight Attendant Flew 120 Flights For Free theonion.com/fake-fl...

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The Onion

Sabrina Carpenter Assures Fans That Daddy Will Punish Her For Album Cover theonion.com/sabrina...

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The Onion

Trump Calls Shooting Victims To Rant About Tim Walz

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The Onion

Trump Condemns Vance Boelter’s Incomplete Hit List

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The Onion

Study Finds Steep Drop In American Mothers’ Mental Health theonion.com/study-f...

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The Onion

Teacher Required To Provide Own Salary theonion.com/teacher...

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The Onion

Hollow Point Bullets Recalled That Don't Explode In Targets

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The Onion

No One Sure Why Kristi Noem Wearing Firefighter Helmet, Night-Vision Goggles, High Heels, Wet Suit theonion.com/no-one-...

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The Onion

SWAT Team Robot Successfully Dismantles Black Man theonion.com/swat-te...

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The Onion

Sparrow Aviation Administration Blames Collision On Failure To Detect Pane Of Glass theonion.com/sparrow...

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The Onion

Trump Issues Executive Order Reversing All Vasectomies theonion.com/trump-i...

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The Onion

Family Kind Of Concerned At How Fast Dad Ate Father’s Day Gift theonion.com/family-...

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The Onion

LAST CHANCE to Appease your desperate need to belong. Become an Onion member today. Take advantage of the Fathers Day 25% off sale while you can. membership.theonion....

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The Onion

CDC Publishes   Female Body Hair Guidelines theonion.com/cdc-pub...

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The Onion

Father’s Day Gift Wrapped In Paper Towel

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The Onion

Trump’s Military Parade By The Numbers theonion.com/trumps-...

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The Onion

Protesters Urged Not To Give Trump Administration Pretext For What It Already Doing theonion.com/protest...

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The Onion

ICE Releases Gavin Newsom Beheading Video theonion.com/ice-rel...

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The Onion

Pete Hegseth Vomits Out Of Tank Hatch

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The Onion

Trump Mouths Lyrics To ‘Happy Birthday’ While National Anthem Plays

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The Onion

Owner Of D.C. Doggy Daycare Worried Her Military Parade Float Sticking Out theonion.com/owner-o...

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The Onion

D.C. Air Traffic Controllers Given Day Off To Attend Military Parade

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The Onion

“We found this individual possessed a second, far more lethal string of words locked and loaded, and I’m terrified to think how the situation would have shaken out if he’d been able to say even one of them aloud,” said Kristi Noem theonion.com/kristi-...

Likes: 5990 ▲ 125% Sign in

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The Onion

You don't need more regrets. Take this Fathers Day 25% off deal. membership.theonion....

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The Onion

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The Onion

Iran Cracks Down On Pet Dogs theonion.com/iran-cr...

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The Onion

Interactive Planetarium Exhibit Offers Guests Chance To Touch Live Protostar theonion.com/interac...

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The Onion

FBI Warns Second California Senator Still At Large theonion.com/fbi-war...

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The Onion

Trump’s Military Parade By The Numbers theonion.com/trumps-...

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The Onion

From The Archives: God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule theonion.com/god-ang...

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The Onion

LAST CHANCE to use the promo code PROUDDAD20 at the Onion Store to get 20% on all merchandise at The Onion Store. store.theonion.com/?....

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The Onion

Democrats Back Resolution Thanking Federal Agents For Handcuffing Alex Padilla theonion.com/democra...

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The Onion

Kristi Noem: Sen. Padilla Had Even Deadlier Opinion That Failed To Go Off

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The Onion

Kristi Noem Appears With Bandage Over Ear Struck By Words

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The Onion

Netanyahu Calls Iran Strikes Necessary To Prevent War He Just Started

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The Onion

The Onion Reviews 'E.T.'

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The Onion

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Feud Poisoning

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The Onion

Menendez Brothers Receive Stars On Hollywood Walk Of Fame theonion.com/menende...

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The Onion

Bloated Supreme Court Rules They Ate Too Many Shrimp

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The Onion

Death Star To Open Day Care Center theonion.com/death-s...

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The Onion

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The Onion

LAST CHANCE to buy from The Onions Father Day Collection. Find the perfect gift for that special anyone at the Onion Store. store.theonion.com/c...

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The Onion

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Dakota Johnson theonion.com/the-oni...

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The Onion

U.K. Bans Ninja Swords theonion.com/u-k-ban...

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The Onion

Pulitzer Feeling Increasingly Out Of Place In Washington Post Office

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The Onion

Marines Raise American Flag Outside Cell Phone Store After Defeating Skateboarding Teenagers theonion.com/marines...

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The Onion

For sickos, by sickos. store.theonion.com/c...

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The Onion

Kristi Noem Attempts To Relieve Tension From Negative Press By Squeezing Stress Dog

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