The Onion

The Onion

Shop the Onion Store because looking decent is literally the least you can do. https://store.theonion.com/products/steretypes-are-a-real-time-saver-headline-t-shirt?_pos=1&_psq=stereotyp&_ss=e&_v=1.0

Likes: 124 ▼ 91% Sign in

Replies: 1 ▼ 95% Sign in

Reposts: 6 ▼ 96%

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The Onion

Priceless Jewels Stolen From Louvre In Daytime Raid https://theonion.com/priceless-jewels-stolen-from-louvre-in-daytime-raid/

Likes: 830 ▼ 44% Sign in

Replies: 7 ▼ 68% Sign in

Reposts: 147 ▼ 22%

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The Onion

Dunkin’ Donuts Unveils New Seasonal Rotting Jack-O’-Lantern Latte For End Of Fall https://theonion.com/dunkin-donuts-unveils-new-seasonal-rotting-jack-o-lan-1830313440/

Likes: 636 ▼ 57% Sign in

Replies: 12 ▼ 45% Sign in

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The Onion

Report: Majority Of Married People Get Up And Go To Second Family’s House As Soon As Spouse Asleep https://theonion.com/report-majority-of-married-people-get-up-and-go-to-sec-1819578381/

Likes: 664 ▼ 55% Sign in

Replies: 20 ▼ 9% Sign in

Reposts: 25 ▼ 86%

Quotes: 6 ▼ 53%

The Onion

Congress Sends Unemployed Americans 40 Million Boxes Of Saltwater Taffy From Vacation https://theonion.com/congress-sends-unemployed-americans-40-million-boxes-of-1844729789/

Likes: 1300 ▼ 13% Sign in

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The Onion

Black Homeowners Receive Higher Appraisal After Displaying Pictures Of Klan Members

Likes: 2834 ▲ 88% Sign in

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Quotes: 36 ▲ 176%

The Onion

American Airlines To Phase Out Complimentary Cabin Pressurization https://theonion.com/american-airlines-to-phase-out-complimentary-cabin-pres-1819576190/

Likes: 2273 ▲ 51% Sign in

Replies: 43 ▲ 51% Sign in

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The Onion

How To Join ICE https://theonion.com/how-to-join-ice/

Likes: 1357 ▼ 9% Sign in

Replies: 20 ▼ 9% Sign in

Reposts: 166 ▼ 12%

Quotes: 4 ▼ 69%

The Onion

Family Hoping Mother Knows Birthday Nature Walk A One-Time Thing https://theonion.com/family-hoping-mother-knows-birthday-nature-walk-a-one-t-1819579377/

Likes: 733 ▼ 51% Sign in

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The Onion

Turn down that infernal rap band and open up your wallet for the Kelly Collection. https://store.theonion.com/products/cartoon-sickos-premium-t-shirt?variant=40648597045317

Likes: 199 ▼ 86% Sign in

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The Onion

BREAKING: Drunk Teen Going 100 MPH Down Slick Highway Is Invincible https://theonion.com/breaking-drunk-teen-going-100-mph-down-slick-highway-i-1819575753/

Likes: 1010 ▼ 32% Sign in

Replies: 26 ▲ -32% Sign in

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The Onion

If you're seeking an excuse to sit in total darkness, we invite you to a free screening of BUGONIA, a Yorgos Lanthimos film, starring Emma Stone and Jesse Plemons. RSVP here: theonion.com/bugonia/. (In partnership with @focusfeatures.bsky.social)

Likes: 249 ▼ 83% Sign in

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The Onion

Report: Cost Of Raising Neglected Children Still Low As Ever https://theonion.com/report-cost-of-raising-neglected-children-still-low-as-1819577111/

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The Onion

Area Man Could Eat https://theonion.com/area-man-could-eat-1819571856/

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The Onion

Lawyer Friend Makes Strong Case For Nachos https://theonion.com/lawyer-friend-makes-strong-case-for-nachos-1819567126/

Likes: 1057 ▼ 29% Sign in

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The Onion

Survey: 1 In 5 High Schoolers Knows Someone Who Has Had An AI Relationship theonion.com/survey-1-in-...

Likes: 523 ▼ 65% Sign in

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The Onion

Katy Perry Releases New Single About Superiority Of Canadian Manufacturing

Likes: 4827 ▲ 220% Sign in

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The Onion

Who Killed Jeffery Epstein? The Missing Minutes.

Likes: 717 ▼ 52% Sign in

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The Onion

Sober October Ends As Deer Realizes Apple He Just Ate Fermented https://theonion.com/sober-october-ends-as-deer-realizes-apple-he-just-ate-fermented/

Likes: 1823 ▲ 21% Sign in

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The Onion

Home Depot Introduces New 12-Foot-Tall Willem Dafoe https://theonion.com/home-depot-introduces-new-12-foot-tall-willem-dafoe/

Likes: 3044 ▲ 102% Sign in

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The Onion

Pros And Cons Of Using ‘Buy Now, Pay Later’ https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-using-buy-now-pay-later/

Likes: 615 ▼ 59% Sign in

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The Onion

Andy Reid Urges Chris Jones To Soak In Hot Tub Filled With Chopped Vegetables https://theonion.com/andy-reid-urges-chris-jones-to-soak-in-hot-tub-filled-with-chopped-vegetables/

Likes: 866 ▼ 42% Sign in

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The Onion

Encyclopedic Knowledge Not So Handsomely Bound

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The Onion

Zohran Mamdani Refuses To Share Plan For Making Rich Richer

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The Onion

The Night Epstein Died

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The Onion

Impressionable Teen Falls In With Wrong Socioeconomic Class

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The Onion

Button-Up Shirt Goes On Life-Changing Odyssey Around Dry Cleaner’s Garment Conveyor https://theonion.com/button-up-shirt-goes-on-life-changing-odyssey-around-dr-1828653305/

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The Onion

Mascot Doing Fentanyl Fold

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The Onion

Young Republicans Under Fire Over Racist, Homophobic Group Chat https://theonion.com/young-republicans-under-fire-over-racist-homophobic-group-chat/

Likes: 1379 ▼ 8% Sign in

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The Onion

Man Still Trying To Find Right Work-Anxiety–Life-Anxiety Balance https://theonion.com/man-still-trying-to-find-right-work-anxiety-life-anxiet-1819575766/

Likes: 1724 ▲ 14% Sign in

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The Onion

Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now

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The Onion

Drive Through Rich Neighborhood Exposes Dad’s Shortcomings As Provider

Likes: 1126 ▼ 25% Sign in

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The Onion

Yankee Candle Clarifies That Product Only Intended To Be Dripped On Balls https://theonion.com/yankee-candle-clarifies-that-product-only-intended-to-b-1829843861/

Likes: 1202 ▼ 20% Sign in

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The Onion

Go ahead and try to fill the infinite void in your soul with merchandise at the Onion Store. https://store.theonion.com/collections/headlines

Likes: 176 ▼ 88% Sign in

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The Onion

Researchers Identify Gene Responsible For Visualizing Murder After Touching Missing Person’s Sweater https://theonion.com/researchers-identify-gene-responsible-for-visualizing-murder-after-touching-missing-persons-sweater/

Likes: 834 ▼ 44% Sign in

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The Onion

‘Thank You For That Question,’ Responds Eric Adams To Swarm Of Rats He Forced To Act Out Debate https://theonion.com/thank-you-for-that-question-responds-eric-adams-to-swarm-of-rats-he-forced-to-act-out-debate/

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The Onion

Zohran Mamdani Refuses To Share Plan For Making Rich Richer

Likes: 3091 ▲ 105% Sign in

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Quotes: 20 ▲ 53%

The Onion

Smucker’s Sues Trader Joe’s Over Uncrustables Dupe https://theonion.com/smuckers-sues-trader-joes-over-uncrustables-dupe/

Likes: 377 ▼ 74% Sign in

Replies: 6 ▼ 72% Sign in

Reposts: 20 ▼ 89%

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The Onion

Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From https://theonion.com/trump-spends-entire-u-k-trip-trying-to-figure-out-where-he-knows-prince-andrew-from/

Likes: 3336 ▲ 121% Sign in

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The Onion

Secretary Of The Macabre Unveils Initiative To Fill Nation’s Empty Eye Sockets With Maggots https://theonion.com/secretary-of-the-macabre-unveils-initiative-to-fill-nations-empty-eye-sockets-with-maggots/

Likes: 1380 ▼ 8% Sign in

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The Onion

Kristi Noem Looms In Background During Entire Episode Of ‘90 Day Fiancé’ https://theonion.com/kristi-noem-looms-in-background-during-entire-episode-of-90-day-fiance/

Likes: 1219 ▼ 18% Sign in

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The Onion

How Jeffery Epstein Got Caught

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The Onion

Pete Hegseth Walks Fully Nude Around Newly Press-Free Pentagon https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-walks-fully-nude-around-newly-press-free-pentagon/

Likes: 1431 ▼ 4% Sign in

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The Onion

45 Years Ago Today:

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The Onion

Cool Dad Raising Daughter On Media That Will Put Her Entirely Out Of Touch With Her Generation https://theonion.com/cool-dad-raising-daughter-on-media-that-will-put-her-en-1819572981/

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The Onion

Dad Shushes Family While Focused On Jumbotron Hat Shuffle https://theonion.com/dad-shushes-family-while-focused-on-jumbotron-hat-shuffle/

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The Onion

Perform your civic duty to the U.S. economy and buy Onion apparel. https://store.theonion.com/products/bald-eagle-tired-of-everyone-just-assuming-it-supports-war-headline-t-shirt?variant=43836488646725

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The Onion

Artist Profile: Addison Rae https://theonion.com/artist-profile-addison-rae/

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The Onion

Report Confirms No Need To Make New Chairs For The Time Being https://theonion.com/report-confirms-no-need-to-make-new-chairs-for-the-time-1819576693/

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The Onion

Instagram Restricts Teens To PG-13 Content https://theonion.com/instagram-restricts-teens-to-pg-13-content/

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The Onion

Biologists Announce There Absolutely Nothing We Can Learn From Clams https://theonion.com/biologists-announce-there-absolutely-nothing-we-can-learn-from-clams/

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The Onion

Grown Man Licking Ice Cream Cone Placed On Sex Offender Registry https://theonion.com/grown-man-licking-ice-cream-cone-placed-on-sex-offender-registry/

Likes: 1029 ▼ 31% Sign in

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The Onion

JD Vance Defends Erosion Of Democracy As ‘Happening’

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The Onion

The Case Against Jeffery Epstein

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The Onion

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: In A Bind

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The Onion

Charli XCX Escalates Feud By Luring Travis Kelce Away With Beef Stick

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The Onion

Belt Looks Weird On Child

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The Onion

All the merch in the Onion Store will be considered rare collectibles by the year 2067, so get started building your collection today. https://store.theonion.com/products/the-onion-est-1988-t-shirt?variant=43500104122437

Likes: 155 ▼ 89% Sign in

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The Onion

Nation’s Old Men Announce Plans To Wake Up At 5 A.M. And Argue With Other Old Men Around Table At McDonald’s https://theonion.com/nation-s-old-men-announce-plans-to-wake-up-at-5-a-m-an-1849803269/

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The Onion

Hiker Wandering Through Oregon Forest Enjoying Vibrant Reds And Golds Of Fall https://theonion.com/hiker-wandering-through-oregon-forest-enjoying-vibrant-1845142293/

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The Onion

Hotshot Peasant Has Window

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The Onion

Recession-Plagued Nation Demands New Bubble To Invest In https://theonion.com/recession-plagued-nation-demands-new-bubble-to-invest-i-1819569940/

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The Onion

Study Finds Voices Should Sound Normal Through Walkie-Talkies By Now https://theonion.com/study-finds-voices-should-sound-normal-through-walkie-talkies-by-now/

Likes: 1482 ▼ 1% Sign in

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The Onion

Parrot Lying

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The Onion

EXCLUSIVE AUDIO: DOJ Interviews Ghislaine Maxwell. Find out more by watching 'The Onion Investigates: Jeffery Epstein' by The Onion here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjhSoGcQhWU

Likes: 329 ▼ 78% Sign in

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The Onion

Real-Life Dracula Recoils After Seeing Woman On Dating App Wearing Crucifix http://theonion.com/real-life-dracula-recoils-after-seeing-woman-on-dating-app-wearing-crucifix/

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The Onion

Drive Through Rich Neighborhood Exposes Dad’s Shortcomings As Provider https://theonion.com/drive-through-rich-neighborhood-exposes-dads-shortcomings-as-provider/

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The Onion

Respectful Jogger Yells ‘Move Or I Could Kill You’ As They Run Past

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The Onion

Our clothing items have all the correct holes marked for easy application. http://store.theonion.com/products/i-ask-every-trick-or-treater-headline-t-shirt-1?variant=42057946759237

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The Onion

Injured Player Gives Thumbs-Down While Being Carted Off Field

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The Onion

Government Shutdown Causes Flight Delays https://theonion.com/government-shutdown-causes-flight-delays/

Likes: 653 ▼ 56% Sign in

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The Onion

Panicking Flu Swears It Didn’t Mean To Kill Old Lady https://theonion.com/panicking-flu-swears-it-didn-t-mean-to-kill-old-lady-1819574374/

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The Onion

Israel Warns Gaza Still Harboring Hundreds Of Doctors https://theonion.com/israel-warns-gaza-still-harboring-hundreds-of-doctors-1850964439/

Likes: 3033 ▲ 101% Sign in

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The Onion

California To Phase Out Ultra-Processed Foods In School Lunches https://theonion.com/california-to-phase-out-ultra-processed-foods-in-school-lunches/

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The Onion

Political Profile: Russell Vought https://theonion.com/political-profile-russell-vought/

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The Onion

Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now https://theonion.com/childhood-best-friend-would-never-make-the-cut-now/

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The Onion

Who Is Ghislaine Maxwell? Find out by watching 'The Onion Investigates: Jeffery Epstein' on The Onion here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjhSoGcQhWU

Likes: 636 ▼ 57% Sign in

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The Onion

‘Try Not To Stare At Her Mouth,’ Says Mom In Ominous Update On Grandma’s Health

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The Onion

Financial Advisors Recommend Throwing Away Unopened Bills https://theonion.com/financial-advisors-recommend-throwing-away-unopened-bills/

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The Onion

Man Panics After Reaching Age Where Parents Prematurely Started Family

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The Onion

Fulfill your destiny. Buy Onion Merch. https://store.theonion.com/products/global-tetrahedron-infinite-growth-forever-hoodie?variant=42183786725445

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The Onion

Nation’s Indigenous People Confirm They Don’t Need Special Holiday, Just Large Swaths Of Land Returned Immediately https://theonion.com/nation-s-indigenous-people-confirm-they-don-t-need-spec-1839033177/

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The Onion

Ohio Begins Executing Random People In Hopes They’re Criminals https://theonion.com/ohio-begins-executing-random-people-in-hopes-they-re-cr-1851218315/

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The Onion

Judge Orders Columbus Statue Removed And Melted Down Into Pinkie Rings For Local Italians https://theonion.com/judge-orders-columbus-statue-removed-and-melted-down-in-1851178112/

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The Onion

First Orgy After Brian's Death Very Solemn https://theonion.com/first-orgy-after-brians-death-very-solemn-1819569410/

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The Onion

Columbus Day Protests Once Again Erupt As Nation Struggles With Its Dark, Anti-Italian Past https://theonion.com/columbus-day-protests-once-again-erupt-as-nation-strugg-1829604693/

Likes: 1220 ▼ 18% Sign in

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The Onion

Inside Epstein's Criminal Enterprise. Find out more by watching 'The Onion Investigates: Jeffery Epstein' by The Onion here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjhSoGcQhWU

Likes: 471 ▼ 68% Sign in

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The Onion

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The Onion

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The Onion

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The Onion

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The Onion

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The Onion

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The Onion

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The Onion

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The Onion

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The Onion

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The Onion

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The Onion

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The Onion

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