The Onion

The Onion

‘You On The Apps?’ Heralds Beginning Of World’s Bleakest Conversation theonion.com/you-on-...

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The Onion

New Study Finds It Is Impossible To Lose Weight, No One Has Ever Done It, And Those Who Are Trying Should Give Up theonion.com/new-stu...

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The Onion

Nation Adds Second Memorial Day To Honor Brats Eaten In The Line Of Duty

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The Onion

Tariff-Strained Apple Announces 7,083-Piece iPhone Kit theonion.com/tariff-...

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The Onion

“Elon’s going to be back any minute, so make sure to throw some dirty clothes next to the bathroom sink to make it seem like we’ve been showering here,” said Tesla engineer Todd Costello theonion.com/tesla-e...

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The Onion

Change your entire life in 5-10 business days with the Onion Store. http://store.theonio...

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The Onion

Optimistic Researchers Say There Still Time To Head Off Climate Change Before It Starts Killing Rich People theonion.com/optimis...

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The Onion

Professional Bowler Falls Into Existential Crisis After Realizing There No Way To Know How Deep Finger Holes Go theonion.com/profess...

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The Onion

Premium DraftKings Feature Lets User Select Players To Have Legs Broken By Goons theonion.com/premium...

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The Onion

Study Finds Weed Use Linked To Early Heart Disease theonion.com/study-f...

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The Onion

Restaurant Turns Out To Be Spanish, Not Mexican theonion.com/restaur...

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The Onion

Hair Loss: Myth Vs. Fact theonion.com/hair-lo...

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The Onion

The Onion Reviews 'Mission Impossible'

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The Onion

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Guise And Dolls

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The Onion

Novelty Car Horn Playing ‘La Cucaracha’ Sends Stephen Miller Into Dissociative Fugue State theonion.com/novelty...

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The Onion

World’s Cartographers Continue Living Secret Life Of Luxury On Idyllic, Never Disclosed 8th Continent theonion.com/world-s...

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The Onion

“Apple customers will have a blast soldering, polishing, and drilling as they build their very own iPhone,” Tim Cook said in a Keynote presentation at Apple headquarters theonion.com/tariff-...

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The Onion

Stock up on Onion-branded family heirlooms so your loved ones will have something to pry from your cold dead hands. store.theonion.com/c...

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The Onion

Tesla Employees Scramble To Make Office Look Like They’ve Been Sleeping There theonion.com/tesla-e...

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The Onion

Trump Pardons Tom Sandoval theonion.com/trump-p...

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The Onion

Crypto Investor Tortures Man In Attempt To Steal Bitcoin Password theonion.com/crypto-...

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The Onion

Timeline Of Trump’s Battle With Harvard theonion.com/timelin...

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The Onion

From The Archives: I Don’t Vaccinate My Child Because It’s My Right To Decide What Eliminated Diseases Come Roaring Back theonion.com/i-don-t...

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The Onion

Recession Forecasts Jump After Herds Of Panicked Economists Start Running Off Cliffs theonion.com/recessi...

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The Onion

Tariff-Strained Apple Announces 7,083-Piece iPhone Kit

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The Onion

213 Killed In How Do You Pronounce That?

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The Onion

U.K. To Chemically Castrate Sex Offenders theonion.com/u-k-to-...

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The Onion

Whole Flight Spent Reading ‘War And Peace’ Over Shoulder Of Passenger Ahead theonion.com/whole-f...

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The Onion

Fish At Pretty Good Place In Its Life Right Now theonion.com/fish-at...

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The Onion

Find the perfect gift for that special anyone at the Onion Store. store.theonion.com/c...

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The Onion

Somebody Should Do Something About All The Problems

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The Onion

Report: No Way This Year's Summer Strawberries Living Up To Hype theonion.com/report-...

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The Onion

Interactive Exhibit Lets Kids Figure Out How To Manage Budget Shortfall That Will Otherwise Shutter Museum theonion.com/interac...

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The Onion

Nobody In White House Sure Who Guy Praying Over Trump Is theonion.com/nobody-...

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The Onion

Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks

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The Onion

This is not a paid advertisement. Subscribe at membership.theonion.com to receive the newspaper and see more print-exclusive content.

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The Onion

Stapler Not The Same Since Tasting Human Flesh

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The Onion

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The Onion

Warm Weather Finally Allows Man To Get Outside, Explore New Ways To Sweat theonion.com/warm-we...

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The Onion

Turn down that infernal rap band and open up your wallet for the Kelly Collection. store.theonion.com/p...

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The Onion

Report: Texting While Driving Okay If You Look Up Every Couple Seconds theonion.com/report-...

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The Onion

Artist Profile: Gracie Abrams theonion.com/artist-...

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The Onion

Kim Kardashian Graduates Law School theonion.com/kim-kar...

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The Onion

Outside Not Looking Forward To People Wanting To Walk Around In It Again This Summer

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The Onion

‘You On The Apps?’ Heralds Beginning Of World’s Bleakest Conversation theonion.com/you-on-...

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Replies: 12 ▼ 76% Sign in

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Quotes: 6 ▼ 72%

The Onion

Grade School’s Gifted Program Admits Kids Who Can Emotionally Handle Time Away From iPad theonion.com/grade-s...

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The Onion

213 Killed In How Do You Pronounce That?

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The Onion

Drug Smuggling Cat Caught In Costa Rica theonion.com/drug-sm...

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The Onion

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The Onion

Kohler Doing Damage Control After CEO Admits He Never Uses Toilets theonion.com/kohler-...

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The Onion

And Before You Know It, Memorial Day Weekend Over theonion.com/and-bef...

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The Onion

LAST CHANCE to buy the April 2025 edition of the physical The Onion Newspaper. Shop at The Onion store. It's not like anything else has made you happy. store.theonion.com/c...

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The Onion

‘It’s Good To Practice Some Self Care,’ Says Man Kicking Back And Letting Last Chance At Happiness And Success Slip Away theonion.com/it-s-go...

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The Onion

Struggling U.S. Military Requires Every Soldier To Recruit Additional 300 New Troops theonion.com/struggl...

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The Onion

A Shattered Nation Longs To Care About Stupid Bullshit Again theonion.com/a-shatt...

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The Onion

Teacher Asks What First Graders Want To Be Once Child Labor Laws Repealed theonion.com/teacher...

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The Onion

'I Spilled My Soda,' Report Nation's Dopes theonion.com/i-spill...

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The Onion

‘Advertising Doesn’t Work On Me,’ Says Chosen One Who Will Lead Humanity Out Of Dark Age Of Commercialism theonion.com/adverti...

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The Onion

Area Man Beginning To Think He Has Memorial Day Off theonion.com/area-ma...

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The Onion

King Charles Switches To More Comfortable Silicone Crown theonion.com/king-ch...

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The Onion

Your friends already joined, so you can safely conform. Become an Onion member today here: membership.theonion....

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The Onion

Trump Shares Own Experiences As Victim Of White Genocide theonion.com/trump-s...

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The Onion

Sobriety Completely Changes Way Man Gains Weight theonion.com/sobriet...

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The Onion

NFL Scientists Study Effects Of CTE By Dissecting Brain Of Pro Football theonion.com/nfl-sci...

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The Onion

Elon Musk Announces Plans To Step Back From Fatherhood theonion.com/elon-mu...

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The Onion

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The Onion

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Ms. Rachel theonion.com/the-oni...

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The Onion

Woman Allows Herself One More Anxiety Episode Before Bed theonion.com/woman-a...

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The Onion

Interpol Admits 89% Of Its Cases Involve Finding, Recovering The ‘Mona Lisa’ theonion.com/interpo...

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The Onion

Psychotic Break Really Helping Man Come Out Of Shell theonion.com/psychot...

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The Onion

State Department Designates WNBA As Terrorist Organization theonion.com/state-d...

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The Onion

“What am I listening to? Oh, just the music of Post Malone. He’s a pop artist,” the panicked, sweating Lily Paolini said theonion.com/ashamed...

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The Onion

What are you going to do? Save your money? For the future?! store.theonion.com/c...

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The Onion

Real Estate: Sure, If You’re An Unoriginal Hack

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The Onion

Very Important Man One Of The Main Guys Where He Works theonion.com/very-im...

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The Onion

New Corkscrew Whirlycoaster IUD Gets Sperm Cell Too Dizzy To Find Uterus theonion.com/new-cor...

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The Onion

Whataburger Sued For $1 Million For Not Holding Onions theonion.com/whatabu...

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The Onion

What To Know About ‘Mission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning’ theonion.com/what-to...

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The Onion

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The Onion

New FEMA Alert Notifies Public Whenever ‘Twister’ Airing On TNT theonion.com/new-fem...

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The Onion

U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat

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The Onion

Romantic Teen Stands Outside Crush’s Window Holding Up Peter Gabriel theonion.com/romanti...

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The Onion

Ashamed Woman Hiding Interest In Country Music Like It Hentai theonion.com/ashamed...

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The Onion

Employee On Thin Ice After Taking Allotted Personal Day theonion.com/employe...

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The Onion

“I’ve accomplished all I really intended to accomplish as a father—spreading my seed, preserving my bloodline—and now I can spend more time focusing on other things,” said Elon Musk theonion.com/elon-mu...

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The Onion

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Ms. Rachel theonion.com/the-oni...

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The Onion

You work too hard not to give us your money. store.theonion.com/p...

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The Onion

DHS: South Sudan Deportations A Lot More Humane When You Learn What Stephen Miller Wanted To Do theonion.com/dhs-sou...

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The Onion

Trump Shares Own Experiences As Victim Of White Genocide theonion.com/trump-s...

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The Onion

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The Onion

Trump Invites WNBA Fans Who Yelled Slurs At Angel Reese To White House http://theonion.com/...

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The Onion

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Where Everybody Knows Your Flame

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The Onion

Elon Musk Announces Plans To Step Back From Fatherhood

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The Onion

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The Onion

Perfectly Good Tire Just Sitting There Behind The Kroger

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The Onion

No-Nonsense Nurse Completes Entire Medical Chart After Pinching Arm Flab Once http://theonion.com/...

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The Onion

Trip To Asia Gives Man New Understanding Of How Soup Can Be Breakfast theonion.com/trip-to...

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The Onion

Billionaire Buying Sandwich Unfairly Targeted With 5% Sales Tax theonion.com/billion...

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The Onion

“How much money did Kamala give the Emhoff kids to support her during her campaign for president?” Trump wrote in a Truth Social post theonion.com/trump-a...

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The Onion

Blow your paycheck like a well-informed citizen. http://store.theonio...

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