The Borowitz Report

Mrs. Alito Raises New Flag

ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA (The Borowitz Report)—The wife of Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito raised a new flag in front of the couple’s home late Thursday afternoon. Justice Alito said that he played “no role” in the latest flag-related incident involving his wife.

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Trump Says it is Totally Unfair That He is Not Allowed to be a Juror

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the situation a “rigged disgrace,” Donald J. Trump said on Thursday it is “totally unfair” that he is not on the jury of his trial. “You have these twelve losers in a room, trying to figure out what the hell was going on,” he told reporters. “Meanwhile, I was there the whole time an…

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Announcing the Trump Haiku Contest Winner!

After thousands of you voted in the Trump Haiku Contest Runoff, we have a winner! This TBR Contest Special newsletter features the winning poem, analysis of the voting, and an exclusive interview with the triumphant poet. Contestants were asked to submit haikus on this theme: “Trump’s innermost musings as he sits in court.”

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Trump Honors Those Who Helped Others Avoid Service at Tomb of the Unknown Podiatrist

QUEENS, NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In what has become a Memorial Day tradition for him, on Monday Donald J. Trump laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Podiatrist. Trump made his annual pilgrimage to pay homage to the heroic doctors who issued bogus diagnoses to ensure that their privileged patients never a…

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Trump Haiku Contest Runoff!

Thousands of readers voted for the five finalists in TBR’s first-ever haiku contest. Two poems led the pack—but the results are TOO CLOSE TO CALL. To avoid baseless claims of election fraud, I’m sending the decision back to you in a special Trump Haiku Contest Runoff.

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Woman in Miserable Marriage Dreading Husband's Week Off

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—An unhappily married Manhattan woman whose husband has been occupied for over a month is “deeply dreading” his upcoming week off, a friend of the woman revealed Tuesday. The friend, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the woman has been “deliriously happy” for the past five weeks and is…

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Alito's Wife Takes Credit for All His Clothes Being on Front Lawn

ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA (The Borowitz Report)—The wife of Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito took “full responsibility” for the piles of men’s clothing that suddenly appeared on the couple’s front lawn Monday morning. Neighbors awoke to an unusual spectacle outside the Alito residence, where an extensive wardrobe of men’s slacks, shirt…

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Process Server Locates Giuliani By Following Trail of Hair Dye

PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—The process server who handed Rudolph Giuliani a summons Friday night located him by following a trail of jet-black hair dye, the server has confirmed. The server, an agent of the Arizona attorney general’s office, said his suspicion was aroused when he saw “drops of an inky …

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Kristi Noem Attempts Damage Control By Announcing She Also Hates Cats

PIERRE, SOUTH DAKOTA (The Borowitz Report)—In what some political observers called a desperate attempt to salvage her political career, on Wednesday Governor Kristi Noem of South Dakota declared that she also despises cats. “Over the past few weeks, the mainstream media has worked overtime to distort my disclosure about having shot …

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Worm Leaves Scathing Yelp Review of RFK Jr.’s Brain

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – In the latest setback for Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s presidential bid, a worm who dined in the candidate’s brain wrote a brutal Yelp review shortly before dying, the reviewing site confirmed on Monday. The worm’s review began on a discouraging note, claiming that Kennedy’s brain was “almost impossible …

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