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The Onion

America’s Finest News Source. A @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social subsidiary.

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About

America’s Finest News Source. A @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social subsidiary.

theonion.com

On Bluesky since 2023-04-29 12:21:21.353000

Posts

“Marco, I want you in there as Jean Valjean, and give us your full energy on ‘Look Down’—remember, chest voice, not head voice! You’re a prisoner, for goodness sake, not Patti LuPone,” said the visibly anxious president theonion.com/trump-c...

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This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Any Deport In A Storm

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Make your life moderately less empty and meaningless with Onion merchandise. store.theonion.com/p...

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Elderly Salsa Instructor Announces Plan To Dance With Your Girlfriend theonion.com/elderly...

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Scientists Studying Man Who Let Snakes Bite Him Over 200 Times theonion.com/scienti...

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Michael Strahan Surpasses Diane Sawyer As Good Morning America’s All-Time Sack Leader theonion.com/michael...

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What To Know About The MAHA Movement theonion.com/what-to...

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This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Any Deport In A Storm

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Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children

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New Indiana Law Requires All Porn Viewers To Register As Sex Offenders

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Trump Casts Cabinet In ‘Les Misérables’ Amid Kennedy Center Boycott

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Man Not Sure If Friend’s House The Type Where He Supposed To Take Off Clothes Before Entering theonion.com/man-not...

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“For too long, we’ve sacrificed combat readiness in the name of inclusivity, ignoring the fact that there are innate differences between a Hank and a male Tracy,” said Gen. Doug H. Sandoval theonion.com/u-s-mil...

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“The discrimination these people are facing is absolutely sick—they’re literally hunting them down,” said Trump theonion.com/trump-g...

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Keep your resolution to read more by perusing our many items with words printed on them. store.theonion.com/p...

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Strategies For Decluttering theonion.com/strateg...

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Cannes Bans Nudity On Red Carpet theonion.com/cannes-...

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UFC Clown Jumps Into Octagon To Distract Irate Fighter theonion.com/ufc-clo...

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How The U.S. Is Resettling White South African Refugees theonion.com/how-the...

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Trump Grants Refugee Status To Former SS Guards

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Study Finds Growing Gap Between America's Rich and Super-Rich

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Mom, Dad Bickering Over Whether They’ve Seen ‘The Bear’ theonion.com/mom-dad...

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U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Combat

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Nation's UPS Men Break Out The Shorts theonion.com/nations...

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Where did Hollywood go so wrong? I thought movies were supposed to be an escape from reality, a chance to put your worries aside and not have to think about any underlying ideas or concepts. Well, not anymore. theonion.com/you-can...

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Get a taste of America's Finest Membership. You can now receive a single issue of America's Finest News Source for almost 50% off the cover price. store.theonion.com/c...

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Car Passengers Launch Urgent, Mid-Street Investigation Into Whether Woman In Parking Spot Coming Or Going theonion.com/car-pas...

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Judges Claim Pizza Deliveries Sent To Their Homes Meant To Intimidate theonion.com/judges-...

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President Trump To Accept $400 Million Plane Gifted From Qatar theonion.com/preside...

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Disgusting Restaurant Celebrates 30 Years As Small Town’s Only Option theonion.com/disgust...

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Avoid looking back on your deathbed and wishing you'd spent more time accumulating material possessions. Carpe diem. Shop the Onion Store today. store.theonion.com/c...

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You Can’t Even Watch A Movie Anymore Without Seeing Some Theme Explored theonion.com/you-can...

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Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children

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This Weeks Editorial Cartoon:

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Nervous Matt Gaetz Fumbles With Training Bra

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RFK Jr. Claims Measles Can Be Cured With A Good Concealer

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“Starting today, adults are no longer permitted to be unique or to deviate from a narrow set of cultural norms while in the presence of a minor,” Gov. Greg Abbott said theonion.com/texas-b...

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“So what do you think Democrats can learn from somebody who, like you, targets the most vulnerable among us?” said Newsom theonion.com/gavin-n...

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Help keep quality journalism limping along. store.theonion.com/p...

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Streaming Algorithm Recommends Man A Bunch Of Man Movies theonion.com/streami...

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Dwayne Johnson Honored For Accomplishments In Neck Acting theonion.com/dwayne-...

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Sean Combs Asks For Quick Trial So He Can Get To Part Where Trump Pardons Him

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Gavin Newsom Sits Down For Podcast With Serial Killer Who Targets Homeless

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Experts Agree Giant, Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat

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Texas Bans Being Different Around Children theonion.com/texas-b...

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Baby Saves Affair theonion.com/baby-sa...

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State Department Warns Americans Traveling Abroad To Avoid Lame Amsterdam Windmill Tour theonion.com/state-d...

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“Why can’t bribing the president be as straightforward as doing a dead drop of a briefcase in a parking garage like it used to be?” said Ben Tormos theonion.com/man-can...

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“Unlike CROOKED JOE BIDEN, the American people LOVE their favorite president of all time! Me! GO ONLINE NOW to order up to 4 test kits so you can ensure the whole family is LOYAL to the commander-in-chief.” wrote Trump theonion.com/trump-a...

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Consume until the throbbing subsides. store.theonion.com/p...

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AI Version Of Dead Arizona Man Addresses Killer During Sentencing theonion.com/ai-vers...

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Man Can’t Believe He Has To Download Stupid App Just To Bribe President theonion.com/man-can...

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NBA Combine Tests How Well Prospects DM Models On Instagram theonion.com/nba-com...

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48 Hours In Starbase theonion.com/48-hour...

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First American Pope Elected theonion.com/first-a...

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New Report Finds Vacationing Sources Habla Un Poquito De Español theonion.com/new-rep...

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Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children

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Tom Holland Working Up Courage To Tell Zendaya He Only 17 theonion.com/tom-hol...

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Trump Administration Offers Free At-Home Loyalty Tests theonion.com/trump-a...

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From The Archives: You People Made Me Give Up My Peanut Farm Before I Got To Be President theonion.com/you-peo...

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Area Mom Really Gets Her Rocks Off On Being Appreciated theonion.com/area-mo...

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Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice theonion.com/mom-jus...

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Couple Debates Ethical Implications Of Bringing Another Child Into This Bar theonion.com/couple-...

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Woman Mentally Rearranging Rankings Of Children While Opening Mother’s Day Gifts

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USDA Admits Weight Loss Not Possible For People Who Don’t Like Salmon theonion.com/usda-ad...

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Nation Successfully Completes Mother’s Day By 9:18 AM

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Breakfast In Bed Served To Mom Who Just Got Eaten Out theonion.com/breakfa...

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Autism: Myth Vs. Fact theonion.com/autism-...

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Tips For Planning A Mother’s Day Brunch theonion.com/tips-fo...

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Even after the apocalypse, you’ll still be the most well-read person in your tribe. Join America's Finest Membership here: membership.theonion....

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Trump Vows To Reopen Joann Fabrics As Prison theonion.com/trump-v...

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Reaganomics Finally Trickles Down To Area Man theonion.com/reagano...

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Alphabet Updated With 15 Exciting New Replacement Letters theonion.com/alphabe...

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Trump Decries Lack Of U.S.-Made Products Lodged In American Rectums theonion.com/trump-d...

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Fulfill your destiny. Buy Onion Merch. store.theonion.com/c...

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Report: 73% Of America’s Food Waste Traced To Really Messy Toddler theonion.com/report-...

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Supreme Court Rules Trump Has Immunity For Any Crime Committed Between 9 And 5 theonion.com/supreme...

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Tips For Planning A Mother’s Day Brunch theonion.com/tips-fo...

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Raccoon With Meth Pipe Found In Driver’s Seat Of Car theonion.com/raccoon...

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Study: Most Millennials Will Never Own Swanky Undersea Apartment Where Fish Swim Past Windows

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Elon Musk Pushes Child Aside On Way To Escape Pods As Starbase Collapses theonion.com/elon-mu...

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12 Year Old Boy Scouts Offer To Give Breast Exams

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Dad Impressed By How Easily New Lawn Mower Tore Through Son’s Leg theonion.com/dad-imp...

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Cardinal Passed Over For Pope Devoted Life To God For Nothing theonion.com/cardina...

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City Planner Gets Halfway Through Designing City Before Realizing He’s Just Doing Philadelphia Again theonion.com/city-pl...

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“Oh, son of a bitch, that pretty much cleans out my savings,” said the visibly frustrated deity theonion.com/god-los...

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Spend. Never ask why. store.theonion.com/c...

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Fringe Catholic Sect Doesn’t Tolerate Child Abuse theonion.com/fringe-...

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2nd Grader Orders 70,000 Lollipops On Amazon theonion.com/2nd-gra...

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Conclave Selects First Chicago-Style Pope

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God Loses $400 Betting On Cardinal Tagle

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Growth

Engagement

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Posts published

3

Number of accounts followed

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Average likes per post Sign in to view

56

Average replies per post Sign in to view

311

Average reposts per post Sign in to view

27

Average quotes per post Sign in to view

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