The Onion

The Onion

Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys

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The Onion

Study: Crying Not Linked To What You Said But The Way You Said It https://theonion.com/study-crying-not-linked-to-what-you-said-but-the-way-you-said-it/

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The Onion

Olive Garden Unveils New ‘We Invented Spaghetti’ Slogan https://theonion.com/olive-garden-unveils-new-we-invented-spaghetti-slogan/

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Reposts: 92 ▲ 4%

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The Onion

Lucky Old Woman Getting Wheeled Around Airport https://theonion.com/lucky-old-woman-getting-wheeled-around-airport-1819575211/

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The Onion

“That’s a lot of trampolines, babe, and you can really only bounce on one at a time,” said Taylor Swift

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The Onion

“As we speak, Mr. Met is canoeing down the Envira River deep in the heart of the southwestern Amazon, distributing Mets hats, foam fingers, and Doc Gooden rookie cards to people who have never even heard of David Wright,” said Mets owner Steve Cohen

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The Onion

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The Onion

Make your money proud for once. https://store.theonion.com/products/id-do-a-threesome-premium-t-shirt?variant=40586030350405

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Reposts: 26 ▼ 70%

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The Onion

The White House UFC Fight By The Numbers https://theonion.com/the-white-house-ufc-fight-by-the-numbers/

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The Onion

IWasPoisoned.com Introduces New Teen Accounts https://theonion.com/iwaspoisoned-com-introduces-new-teen-accounts/

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The Onion

Tour In Peril After Noah Kahan Refuses To Come Down From Tree

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The Onion

Poll: Fewer Americans Say Democracy Central To U.S. Identity https://theonion.com/poll-fewer-americans-say-democracy-central-to-u-s-identity/

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The Onion

Nancy Mace Introduces Bill To Separate Gubernatorial Races By Gender

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The Onion

New Evidence Proves First Flag Made By Betsy Ross Actually Shirt For Gay Friend https://theonion.com/new-evidence-proves-first-flag-made-by-betsy-ross-actua-1819571927/

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The Onion

Commentary: I Like Living In L.A. Because People Don’t Act Weird When They See Me On The Street

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The Onion

Mr. Met Embarks On Missionary Trip To Spread Mets Fandom To Uncontacted Amazon Tribes https://theonion.com/mr-met-embarks-on-missionary-trip-to-spread-mets-fandom-to-uncontacted-amazon-tribes/

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The Onion

Trump Boys Bulk Up For UFC Fight By Chugging Sour Cream

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The Onion

Taylor Swift Urges Travis Kelce To Whittle Down Trampolines On Registry To One https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-urges-travis-kelce-to-whittle-down-trampolines-on-registry-to-one/

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The Onion

Politician With No Better Ideas Decides To Campaign On Improving The Economy https://theonion.com/politician-with-no-better-ideas-decides-to-campaign-on-improving-the-economy/

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The Onion

Closeted Pride Parade Takes Place In Garage

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The Onion

“We’re not allowed to take breaks of any kind,” one Amazon worker said on the condition of anonymity, claiming that human chess pieces are expected to stand motionless for more than eight hours at a time on the board’s three-by-three-foot squares.

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The Onion

“Yeah, me and the bunco gals lit a few liquor bottles on fire and tossed them at ICE agents the other day, and I won $5 in our game!” said Rebecca Peters

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The Onion

Real Estate: Chic Apartment With Designer Furniture

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The Onion

Blow your paycheck like a well-informed citizen. https://store.theonion.com/products/area-dad-headline-t-shirt?variant=42705274175557

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The Onion

The Most Unbreakable Records In Sports History https://theonion.com/the-most-unbreakable-records-in-sports-history/

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The Onion

Target Scales Back Pride Section To Single T-Shirt Saying They’d Do A Threesome With A Girl For Their Boyfriend’s Birthday https://theonion.com/target-scales-back-pride-section-to-single-t-shirt-sayi-1850501108/

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Reposts: 759 ▲ 762%

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The Onion

McDonald’s Worker Suffers Severe Burns After Being Attacked With Hot Oil https://theonion.com/mcdonalds-worker-suffers-severe-burns-after-being-attacked-with-hot-oil/

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The Onion

Sam Levinson Emerges From 7-Year Drug Binge Horrified At What He Created https://theonion.com/sam-levinson-emerges-from-7-year-drug-binge-horrified-at-what-he-created/

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The Onion

Rick Brunson Tests Jalen Brunson Again On What To Say When Press Asks About Bruises

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Reposts: 12 ▼ 86%

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