The Onion

The Onion

“Josh has been on the field for 20 minutes straight now—get him out of there, he’s fucking terrible,” David McKenzie said of the frail, uncoordinated 9-year-old

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The Onion

“Jesus Christ, these are the people I now feel most connected to—random people I’ve never met in real life and probably never will,” said a visibly distressed Andrew Riley

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The Onion

Trump: Americans’ Economic Pain Not A Consideration In Iran Negotiations https://theonion.com/trump-americans-economic-pain-not-a-consideration-in-iran-negotiations/

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The Onion

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The Onion

Turn down that infernal rap band and open up your wallet for the Kelly Collection. https://store.theonion.com/products/cartoon-sickos-tote-bag

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The Onion

What To Know About ‘Off Campus’ https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-off-campus/

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The Onion

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With JD Vance https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-jd-vance/

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The Onion

Obama Replaces Costly High-Speed Rail Plan With High-Speed Bus Plan

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The Onion

Trump Unwittingly Breaks Chinese Taboo Against Napping Facedown In Soup Bowl

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The Onion

Financial Experts Recommend Just Waiting Until Chaos Is Law Of The Land https://theonion.com/financial-experts-recommend-just-waiting-until-chaos-is-1841161702/

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The Onion

Dad Demands Youth Coach Play Unathletic Son Less https://theonion.com/dad-demands-youth-coach-play-unathletic-son-less/

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The Onion

Nuclear Scientists Fucking Around In Friend’s Backyard Run Away After Stuffing Fission Bomb Into Coke Can https://theonion.com/nuclear-scientists-fucking-around-in-friend-s-backyard-1841186545/

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The Onion

Eight years after becoming a true crime sensation, the murder of Haley Price remains as relevant, gruesome, and podcastable now as it was the day she died. Find out what makes a murder perfect. Listen to A Very Fatal Murder: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4NL9i-Fu15jSzioWta-9KOzXIXQKB4SX

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The Onion

Man Horrified To Find Self Seeking Community Online https://theonion.com/man-horrified-to-find-self-seeking-community-online/

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The Onion

‘Sports Illustrated’ Removes Distracting Models From Swimsuit Edition https://theonion.com/sports-illustrated-removes-distracting-models-from-swimsuit-edition/

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The Onion

‘Make Daddy Die’ Whispered Into Build-A-Bear

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The Onion

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Zzzzzzz

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The Onion

“Last I checked, the American people were never consulted about whether they wanted to spend millions of dollars on assault weapons and air-to-ground missiles so we could back a bunch of rambunctious elementary schoolers,” said Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT)

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The Onion

Passengers From Hantavirus-Stricken Cruise Ship Return Home https://theonion.com/passengers-from-hantavirus-stricken-cruise-ship-return-home/

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The Onion

Real Estate: Great For Streaming TV And Jerking Off

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The Onion

Consume until the throbbing subsides. https://store.theonion.com/products/tu-stultus-es-banner-shirt?variant=42918365790277

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The Onion

U.S. Revokes Passports Of Parents Who Owe Child Support https://theonion.com/u-s-revokes-passports-of-parents-who-owe-child-support/

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The Onion

‘What Were We Talking About Again?’ Says Trump 15 Seconds Into Phone Call To Family Of Fallen Soldier https://theonion.com/what-were-we-talking-about-again-says-trump-15-secon-1819690253/

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The Onion

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Zzzzzzz

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The Onion

Roommate Deemed Too Incompetent To Clean Bathroom https://theonion.com/roommate-deemed-too-incompetent-to-clean-bathroom-1819568433/

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The Onion

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The Onion

MAGA Voter Claims She Loves High Gas Prices https://theonion.com/maga-voter-claims-she-loves-high-gas-prices/

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The Onion

Real Onion subscribers, real conversations. Join America’s Finest Membership: https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001bfegPAAQ

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The Onion

Stagehand Rushes Out To Bring Bruno Mars Different Pelvis For Slow Song

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The Onion

CIA Under Fire For Arming Group Of Rowdy 7-Year-Olds https://theonion.com/cia-under-fire-for-arming-group-of-rowdy-7-year-olds/

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