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The Onion

America’s Finest News Source. A @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social subsidiary.

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America’s Finest News Source. A @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social subsidiary.

theonion.com

On Bluesky since 2023-04-29 12:21:21.353000

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The Onion

“Marco, I want you in there as Jean Valjean, and give us your full energy on ‘Look Down’—remember, chest voice, not head voice! You’re a prisoner, for goodness sake, not Patti LuPone,” said the visibly anxious president theonion.com/trump-c...

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The Onion

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Any Deport In A Storm

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The Onion

Make your life moderately less empty and meaningless with Onion merchandise. store.theonion.com/p...

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The Onion

Elderly Salsa Instructor Announces Plan To Dance With Your Girlfriend theonion.com/elderly...

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The Onion

Scientists Studying Man Who Let Snakes Bite Him Over 200 Times theonion.com/scienti...

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The Onion

Michael Strahan Surpasses Diane Sawyer As Good Morning America’s All-Time Sack Leader theonion.com/michael...

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The Onion

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The Onion

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The Onion

What To Know About The MAHA Movement theonion.com/what-to...

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The Onion

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Any Deport In A Storm

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The Onion

Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children

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The Onion

New Indiana Law Requires All Porn Viewers To Register As Sex Offenders

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The Onion

Trump Casts Cabinet In ‘Les Misérables’ Amid Kennedy Center Boycott

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The Onion

Man Not Sure If Friend’s House The Type Where He Supposed To Take Off Clothes Before Entering theonion.com/man-not...

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The Onion

“For too long, we’ve sacrificed combat readiness in the name of inclusivity, ignoring the fact that there are innate differences between a Hank and a male Tracy,” said Gen. Doug H. Sandoval theonion.com/u-s-mil...

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The Onion

“The discrimination these people are facing is absolutely sick—they’re literally hunting them down,” said Trump theonion.com/trump-g...

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The Onion

Keep your resolution to read more by perusing our many items with words printed on them. store.theonion.com/p...

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The Onion

Strategies For Decluttering theonion.com/strateg...

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The Onion

Cannes Bans Nudity On Red Carpet theonion.com/cannes-...

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The Onion

UFC Clown Jumps Into Octagon To Distract Irate Fighter theonion.com/ufc-clo...

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The Onion

How The U.S. Is Resettling White South African Refugees theonion.com/how-the...

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The Onion

Trump Grants Refugee Status To Former SS Guards

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The Onion

Study Finds Growing Gap Between America's Rich and Super-Rich

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The Onion

Mom, Dad Bickering Over Whether They’ve Seen ‘The Bear’ theonion.com/mom-dad...

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The Onion

U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Combat

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The Onion

Nation's UPS Men Break Out The Shorts theonion.com/nations...

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The Onion

Where did Hollywood go so wrong? I thought movies were supposed to be an escape from reality, a chance to put your worries aside and not have to think about any underlying ideas or concepts. Well, not anymore. theonion.com/you-can...

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The Onion

Get a taste of America's Finest Membership. You can now receive a single issue of America's Finest News Source for almost 50% off the cover price. store.theonion.com/c...

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The Onion

Car Passengers Launch Urgent, Mid-Street Investigation Into Whether Woman In Parking Spot Coming Or Going theonion.com/car-pas...

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The Onion

Judges Claim Pizza Deliveries Sent To Their Homes Meant To Intimidate theonion.com/judges-...

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The Onion

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The Onion

President Trump To Accept $400 Million Plane Gifted From Qatar theonion.com/preside...

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The Onion

Disgusting Restaurant Celebrates 30 Years As Small Town’s Only Option theonion.com/disgust...

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The Onion

Avoid looking back on your deathbed and wishing you'd spent more time accumulating material possessions. Carpe diem. Shop the Onion Store today. store.theonion.com/c...

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The Onion

You Can’t Even Watch A Movie Anymore Without Seeing Some Theme Explored theonion.com/you-can...

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The Onion

Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children

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The Onion

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon:

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The Onion

Nervous Matt Gaetz Fumbles With Training Bra

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The Onion

RFK Jr. Claims Measles Can Be Cured With A Good Concealer

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The Onion

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The Onion

“Starting today, adults are no longer permitted to be unique or to deviate from a narrow set of cultural norms while in the presence of a minor,” Gov. Greg Abbott said theonion.com/texas-b...

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The Onion

“So what do you think Democrats can learn from somebody who, like you, targets the most vulnerable among us?” said Newsom theonion.com/gavin-n...

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The Onion

Help keep quality journalism limping along. store.theonion.com/p...

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The Onion

Streaming Algorithm Recommends Man A Bunch Of Man Movies theonion.com/streami...

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The Onion

Dwayne Johnson Honored For Accomplishments In Neck Acting theonion.com/dwayne-...

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The Onion

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The Onion

Sean Combs Asks For Quick Trial So He Can Get To Part Where Trump Pardons Him

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The Onion

Gavin Newsom Sits Down For Podcast With Serial Killer Who Targets Homeless

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The Onion

Experts Agree Giant, Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat

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The Onion

Texas Bans Being Different Around Children theonion.com/texas-b...

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The Onion

Baby Saves Affair theonion.com/baby-sa...

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The Onion

State Department Warns Americans Traveling Abroad To Avoid Lame Amsterdam Windmill Tour theonion.com/state-d...

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The Onion

“Why can’t bribing the president be as straightforward as doing a dead drop of a briefcase in a parking garage like it used to be?” said Ben Tormos theonion.com/man-can...

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The Onion

“Unlike CROOKED JOE BIDEN, the American people LOVE their favorite president of all time! Me! GO ONLINE NOW to order up to 4 test kits so you can ensure the whole family is LOYAL to the commander-in-chief.” wrote Trump theonion.com/trump-a...

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The Onion

Consume until the throbbing subsides. store.theonion.com/p...

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The Onion

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The Onion

AI Version Of Dead Arizona Man Addresses Killer During Sentencing theonion.com/ai-vers...

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The Onion

Man Can’t Believe He Has To Download Stupid App Just To Bribe President theonion.com/man-can...

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The Onion

NBA Combine Tests How Well Prospects DM Models On Instagram theonion.com/nba-com...

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The Onion

48 Hours In Starbase theonion.com/48-hour...

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The Onion

First American Pope Elected theonion.com/first-a...

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The Onion

New Report Finds Vacationing Sources Habla Un Poquito De Español theonion.com/new-rep...

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The Onion

Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children

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The Onion

Tom Holland Working Up Courage To Tell Zendaya He Only 17 theonion.com/tom-hol...

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The Onion

Trump Administration Offers Free At-Home Loyalty Tests theonion.com/trump-a...

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The Onion

From The Archives: You People Made Me Give Up My Peanut Farm Before I Got To Be President theonion.com/you-peo...

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The Onion

Area Mom Really Gets Her Rocks Off On Being Appreciated theonion.com/area-mo...

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The Onion

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice theonion.com/mom-jus...

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The Onion

Couple Debates Ethical Implications Of Bringing Another Child Into This Bar theonion.com/couple-...

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The Onion

Woman Mentally Rearranging Rankings Of Children While Opening Mother’s Day Gifts

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The Onion

USDA Admits Weight Loss Not Possible For People Who Don’t Like Salmon theonion.com/usda-ad...

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The Onion

Nation Successfully Completes Mother’s Day By 9:18 AM

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The Onion

Breakfast In Bed Served To Mom Who Just Got Eaten Out theonion.com/breakfa...

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The Onion

Autism: Myth Vs. Fact theonion.com/autism-...

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The Onion

Tips For Planning A Mother’s Day Brunch theonion.com/tips-fo...

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The Onion

Even after the apocalypse, you’ll still be the most well-read person in your tribe. Join America's Finest Membership here: membership.theonion....

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The Onion

Trump Vows To Reopen Joann Fabrics As Prison theonion.com/trump-v...

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The Onion

Reaganomics Finally Trickles Down To Area Man theonion.com/reagano...

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The Onion

Alphabet Updated With 15 Exciting New Replacement Letters theonion.com/alphabe...

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The Onion

Trump Decries Lack Of U.S.-Made Products Lodged In American Rectums theonion.com/trump-d...

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The Onion

Fulfill your destiny. Buy Onion Merch. store.theonion.com/c...

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The Onion

Report: 73% Of America’s Food Waste Traced To Really Messy Toddler theonion.com/report-...

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The Onion

Supreme Court Rules Trump Has Immunity For Any Crime Committed Between 9 And 5 theonion.com/supreme...

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The Onion

Tips For Planning A Mother’s Day Brunch theonion.com/tips-fo...

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The Onion

Raccoon With Meth Pipe Found In Driver’s Seat Of Car theonion.com/raccoon...

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The Onion

Study: Most Millennials Will Never Own Swanky Undersea Apartment Where Fish Swim Past Windows

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The Onion

Elon Musk Pushes Child Aside On Way To Escape Pods As Starbase Collapses theonion.com/elon-mu...

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The Onion

12 Year Old Boy Scouts Offer To Give Breast Exams

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The Onion

Dad Impressed By How Easily New Lawn Mower Tore Through Son’s Leg theonion.com/dad-imp...

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The Onion

Cardinal Passed Over For Pope Devoted Life To God For Nothing theonion.com/cardina...

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The Onion

City Planner Gets Halfway Through Designing City Before Realizing He’s Just Doing Philadelphia Again theonion.com/city-pl...

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The Onion

“Oh, son of a bitch, that pretty much cleans out my savings,” said the visibly frustrated deity theonion.com/god-los...

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The Onion

Spend. Never ask why. store.theonion.com/c...

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The Onion

Fringe Catholic Sect Doesn’t Tolerate Child Abuse theonion.com/fringe-...

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The Onion

2nd Grader Orders 70,000 Lollipops On Amazon theonion.com/2nd-gra...

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The Onion

Conclave Selects First Chicago-Style Pope

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The Onion

God Loses $400 Betting On Cardinal Tagle

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