The Onion

The Onion

“While I am proud to have served Tibetan Buddhism in my current body since 1940, I could not pass up the opportunity to inhabit one of pop’s most electrifying showmen.” — Dalai Lama

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The Onion

Shop at The Onion store. It's not like anything else has made you happy. https://store.theonion.com/collections/tote-bags

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The Onion

Trump Says Recession Unfortunate But Necessary Step To Get To Depression https://theonion.com/trump-says-recession-unfortunate-but-necessary-step-to-get-to-depression/

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The Onion

Judge Judy Retires https://theonion.com/judge-judy-retires/

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The Onion

Gas Station Price Sign Using Scientific Notation

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The Onion

Commentary: It Is Unlawful For You To Refuse This Legal Tender, No Matter How Wet It Is. By Garrett Winslow. https://theonion.com/it-is-unlawful-for-you-to-refuse-this-legal-tender-no-matter-how-wet-it-is/

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The Onion

Parrot Lying

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The Onion

Dalai Lama Announces One-Year Residency Inside Body of Bruno Mar https://theonion.com/dalai-lama-announces-one-year-residency-inside-body-of-bruno-mars/

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The Onion

Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires To learn more about America's gaping wealth gap, head to youtube.com/politizane.

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The Onion

LAST CHANCE To Make A Decision You Can Actually Handle. Become a member. Get the paper. Plus a tote. http://membership.theonion.com/totepromo/?campaign=701cx00000u2buUAAQ

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The Onion

Biologists Announce There Absolutely Nothing We Can Learn From Clams https://theonion.com/biologists-announce-there-absolutely-nothing-we-can-learn-from-clams/

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The Onion

Study Finds Voices Should Sound Normal Through Walkie-Talkies By Now https://theonion.com/study-finds-voices-should-sound-normal-through-walkie-talkies-by-now/

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The Onion

Drive Through Rich Neighborhood Exposes Dad’s Shortcomings As Provider https://theonion.com/drive-through-rich-neighborhood-exposes-dads-shortcomings-as-provider/

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The Onion

“I do hope you’ve been enjoying those steaks and that they’ve been prepared to your satisfaction—but now comes the delightful surprise.” — Emile Bernier

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The Onion

“Christ, it’s been an hour and a half since I booted this thing up, and I’m still wandering around some cave while a king’s ghost offers exposition about the realm’s ongoing civil war.” — Rudy Kelleher, local gamer

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The Onion

Blow your paycheck like a well-informed citizen. https://store.theonion.com/products/tu-stultus-es-banner-shirt?variant=42918365790277

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The Onion

NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year’s Rookie Class https://theonion.com/nfl-veterans-offer-advice-to-this-years-rookie-class/

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The Onion

Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail https://theonion.com/blind-man-who-drove-150-miles-drunk-avoids-jail/

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The Onion

Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals They’ve Been Eating USDA Beef https://theonion.com/horrified-guests-begin-gagging-as-dinner-host-reveals-theyve-been-eating-usda-beef/

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The Onion

Impressionable Teen Falls In With Wrong Socioeconomic Class https://theonion.com/impressionable-teen-falls-in-with-wrong-socioeconomic-class/

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The Onion

Casper Recalls Mattresses That Won’t Stop Expanding When Unboxed https://theonion.com/casper-recalls-mattresses-that-wont-stop-expanding-when-unboxed/

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The Onion

LAST CHANCE To Let The World Know You Did Something Right. Become a member, get the paper, plus a tote http://membership.theonion.com/totepromo/?campaign=701cx00000u2buUAAQ

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The Onion

Video Game Prologue Still Going https://theonion.com/video-game-prologue-still-going/

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The Onion

Virtuoso Grasshopper Absolutely Wailing On Leg

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The Onion

Jason Momoa Wakes Up Tied To Chair In Empty Warehouse With ‘Candy Crush Saga’ Movie Script https://theonion.com/jason-momoa-wakes-up-tied-to-chair-in-empty-warehouse-with-candy-crush-saga-movie-script/

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The Onion

Financial Advisors Recommend Throwing Away Unopened Bills https://theonion.com/financial-advisors-recommend-throwing-away-unopened-bills/

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The Onion

Angels Set Off Fireworks To Celebrate Base Hit

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The Onion

Nervous Mariska Hargitay Calms Self Down By Picturing Audience Brutally Murdered https://theonion.com/nervous-mariska-hargitay-calms-self-down-by-picturing-audience-brutally-murdered/

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The Onion

“I hate to do this, but fans wouldn’t be able to experience The Lost Tour as intended if I performed in the state I am tonight.” — Phoebe Bridgers

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The Onion

Visit the Onion Store. Your happiness is our financial gain. https://store.theonion.com/products/the-onion-logo-t-shirt?variant=41768898494533

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