The Onion

The Onion

Midterm Races To Watch In 2026 https://theonion.com/midterm-races-to-watch-in-2026/

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The Onion

Brazil’s trees won’t deforest themselves. Subscribe to the print edition today. https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001bfegPAAQ

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The Onion

Cat Follows Man Through Apartment Like Racist Walgreens Employee https://theonion.com/cat-follows-man-through-apartment-like-racist-walgreens-employee/

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This is not a paid advertisement. To get the newspaper and see more print-exclusive content, subscribe at membership.theonion.com.

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The Onion

Trump Drowns In 2-Inch Puddle

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The One Percent | American Voter

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Authorities Wait To Release Details Of Hiker’s Death Until They Learn Correct Collective Noun For Emus

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Badass Adult Education Student Spends Whole Vegetarian Cooking Class Mouthing Off https://theonion.com/badass-adult-education-student-spends-whole-vegetarian-1839288470/

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Acceptable Forms Of Voter ID https://theonion.com/acceptable-forms-of-voter-id/

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‘It’s Just A Costume, It’s Just A Costume,’ Man Nervously Assures Himself As Giant Hot Dog Starts Walking Toward Him https://theonion.com/it-s-just-a-costume-it-s-just-a-costume-man-nervous-1830132936/

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The Onion

Mother Stands Dead-Eyed Behind Child Explaining Anime Costume

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The Onion

Prevent further catastrophe. Subscribe to The Onion. https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001bfegPAAQ

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Rich Family Giving Out King-Sized Mattresses

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Stephen King’s Best And Worst Books https://theonion.com/stephen-kings-best-and-worst-books/

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The Onion

Nation’s Moms Get Started On Their Sorta-Funky Witch Costumes https://theonion.com/nation-s-moms-get-started-on-their-sorta-funky-witch-co-1839295860/

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The Onion

Years Of Learning To Love Self Undone By Single Glimpse Of Body In Self-Checkout Camera https://theonion.com/years-of-learning-to-love-self-undone-by-single-glimpse-of-body-in-self-checkout-camera/

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The Onion

Election Officials Warn That Ballots Tied To Stray Cat Unlikely To Arrive In Time

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ICE Agent, 7-Year-Old Both Wearing Same ‘Military Commando’ Halloween Costume

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Mistakes That Will Invalidate Your Ballot https://theonion.com/mistakes-that-will-invalidate-your-ballot/

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The Onion

“While I’ve loved all the years I’ve spent unmasking villains with my friends, the writing was unfortunately on the wall.” — Scooby Doo

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The Onion

“Only in the twilight of the hunter’s moon, when the veil between our worlds is the thinnest, can such high-yield opportunities be summoned.” — Lynn Martin, NYSE president

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The Onion

Anthony Davis Going To Halloween Party Right After Game

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The Onion

Do your part in preventing indecent exposure by covering your offensive body with items from The Onion store. https://store.theonion.com/products/sickos-premium-crewneck-sweatshirt?variant=43734005448773

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How To Incorporate AI Into Your Daily Life https://theonion.com/how-to-incorporate-ai-into-your-daily-life/

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This is not a paid advertisement. To get the newspaper and see more print-exclusive content, subscribe at membership.theonion.com.

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Scooby-Doo Retires After Taking Skydance Buyout https://theonion.com/scooby-doo-retires-after-taking-skydance-buyout/

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Commentary: I Won’t Let My Son Play Football Because I Don’t Want Him In A Bisexual Love Triangle With The Head Cheerleader And Team Captain https://theonion.com/i-wont-let-my-son-play-football-because-i-dont-want-him-in-a-bisexual-love-triangle-with-the-head-cheerleader-and-team-captain/

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Host Apparently Committing To Dracula Voice For Whole Party https://theonion.com/host-apparently-committing-to-dracula-voice-for-whole-party/

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2026’s Biggest Political Donors https://theonion.com/2026s-biggest-political-donors/

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