The Onion

The Onion

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to support his children as they attempted to distance themselves from their difficult upbringing, actor Brad Pitt announced on Monday that he was dropping his surname in solidarity with his family.

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The Onion

Profits Soar As Taylor Farms Rebrands As Biological Weapons Manufacturer

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The Onion

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Pausing as he lifted a forkful of lettuce and baby spinach toward his mouth, local man Logan Barger reportedly took a moment Monday to appreciate what a good boy he was being as he ate his salad.

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The Onion

Shocking Video Captures Calm Police Officers Handling Situation Nonviolently

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The Onion

CHICAGO—Pulling out their phones to capture footage of the extraordinary event, lucky participants in a Chicago architecture tour reportedly witnessed a rare live feeding of the Willis Tower on Monday.

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The Onion

Nephew Whacking The Hell Out Of Tree Trunk With Stick

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The Onion

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup https://theonion.com/seagull-this-far-inland-must-be-total-fuckup-1819578988/

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The Onion

You can get a free copy of our America’s 250th special edition at ComicCon if you can find these real, American heroes. If not, buy one here: membership.theonion.com?campaign=701...

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The Onion

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Zendaya

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The Onion

Woman Who Doesn’t Use Facebook Completely Out Of Touch With Friends’ Prejudices https://theonion.com/woman-who-doesn-t-use-facebook-completely-out-of-touch-1819579007/

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The Onion

Nation Wakes Up From Strange Dream Where They Were Watching Soccer

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The Onion

Congressman's Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing

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The Onion

U.S. Mint Unveils Series Of Gold Coins Commemorating President’s Extramarital Affairs

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The Onion

Doctors Give Area Man Six Months To Pay https://theonion.com/doctors-give-area-man-six-months-to-pay-1819565250/

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The Onion

Mike Johnson Struggles To Hold Speaker Gavel While Wearing Anti-Masturbation Mitts

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Alcoholic Father Disappointed In Pothead Son https://theonion.com/alcoholic-father-disappointed-in-pothead-son-1819567959/

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The Onion

George R.R. Martin Hands Agent Unsolicited, 4,000-Page Manuscript Titled ‘Tuba Man, Scuba Man’

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The Onion

Army Program Pairs Female Soldiers With Male Chaperones

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The Onion

A24’s ‘Elden Ring’ Film Stalled After Red Phantom Named TwinkPunisher Invades Set

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It Pretty Obvious What Friend Will Look Like Old https://theonion.com/it-pretty-obvious-what-friend-will-look-like-old-1828197839/

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The Onion

“It’s been seven days since I had a drink, but I still haven’t gotten a job, started a family, and completely turned my life around,” said Trent Ross

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The Onion

“I can’t believe I didn’t spot one Fat Bastard the whole time I was here,” said Ben Frachs

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The Onion

Make your money proud for once. https://store.theonion.com/products/the-onion-newspaper-july-2026-physical-copy

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The Onion

Study: Elephants Only Other Species Capable Of Leveraging Synergies In Brand Portfolio https://theonion.com/study-elephants-only-other-species-capable-of-leveraging-synergies-in-brand-portfolio/

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Bachelorette Party Bankrupts 4 Of Bride’s Fave Girlies https://theonion.com/bachelorette-party-bankrupts-4-of-brides-fave-girlies/

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The Onion

One-Week Sober Man Thought All Problems Would Be Fixed By Now https://theonion.com/one-week-sober-man-thought-all-problems-would-be-fixed-by-now/

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The Onion

Mamdani Urges Feds To Arrest Netanyahu https://theonion.com/mamdani-urges-feds-to-arrest-netanyahu/

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