The Onion

The Onion

“For too long, weak-on-fun Democrats have prevented our country from exercising this beloved tradition of murdering for enjoyment,” said acting Attorney General Todd Blanche

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Reposts: 144 ▼ 41%

Quotes: 3 ▼ 84%

The Onion

“Over the weekend, there was an act of horrible violence that never would’ve happened if we didn’t have a free press,” said President Donald Trump

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The Onion

“Our results have found that since it’s been so long since you had something absolutely terrible happen to you, there is likely a massive calamity coming right down the pipeline,” said researcher Sean LaMonte

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The Onion

Go ahead and try to fill the infinite void in your soul with merchandise at the Onion Store. https://store.theonion.com/products/the-onion-logo-t-shirt?variant=41768898494533

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The Onion

Political Profile: Kash Patel https://theonion.com/political-profile-kash-patel/

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The Onion

DOJ To Bring Back Firing Squad As Means Of Entertainment https://theonion.com/doj-to-bring-back-firing-squad-as-means-of-entertainment/

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The Onion

Area Man First In His Family To Coast Through College https://theonion.com/area-man-first-in-his-family-to-coast-through-college-1819570750/

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The Onion

JD Vance Still Waiting For Secret Service To Retrieve Him From Secure Hiding Area

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Quotes: 34 ▲ 78%

The Onion

Click here for exclusive ways to throw your money at us. https://store.theonion.com/collections/infowear

Likes: 746 ▼ 59% Request Access

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Quotes: 6 ▼ 68%

The Onion

Trump Claims Correspondents’ Dinner Shooting Reinforces Need To End Journalism https://theonion.com/trump-claims-correspondents-dinner-shooting-reinforces-need-to-end-journalism/

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The Onion

Over 200,000 Heated Socks Recalled Due To Burns https://theonion.com/over-200000-heated-socks-recalled-due-to-burns/

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The Onion

Report: You Probably Due To Experience Big Life Tragedy Soon https://theonion.com/report-you-probably-due-to-experience-big-life-tragedy-soon-sub-its-been-a-while/

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The Onion

Should Companies Discontinue Unpaid Intern Fights

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The Onion

Dad Impressed By How Easily New Lawn Mower Tore Through Son’s Leg https://theonion.com/dad-impressed-by-how-easily-new-lawn-mower-tore-through-sons-leg/

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The Onion

Phone, Porn Addictions Converging Nicely

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The Onion

Victor Wembanyama Returns From Concussion Speaking Fluent French

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The Onion

Mr. Special Foreign Man Won't Read Anything Not Written In His Own Language https://theonion.com/mr-special-foreign-man-wont-read-anything-not-written-1819568446/

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The Onion

Report: Every Place On Earth Has Wrong Amount Of Water https://theonion.com/report-every-place-on-earth-has-wrong-amount-of-water-1851544516/

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Reposts: 1140 ▲ 365%

Quotes: 69 ▲ 263%

The Onion

Disney Promises ‘Star Wars’ Fans A New Era Of Blind Stabs At What They Seemed To Like Before

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The Onion

JFK did not kill himself. He was murdered. The truth is coming for us all. theonion.info

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The Onion

Man Finally Good Enough At New Hobby To Understand How Bad He Is At It

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The Onion

U.S. Military To No Longer Require Flu Shots https://theonion.com/u-s-military-to-no-longer-require-flu-shots/

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The Onion

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares https://theonion.com/report-nobody-fucking-cares-1819578909/

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The Onion

“That middle-aged man has an absolute bakery back there,” said Harlan Davis, 33, echoing the sentiments of 340 million Americans who could not look away from the prodigious dumper.

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The Onion

“Yeah so we’re actually invading Pakistan soon! Nobody is supposed to know that, pretty cool, right?” said Patel, spilling his Don Julio as the bottle girl feigned interest in his long, rambling story.

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The Onion

“All these hunky, muscular clergymen, who are just absolutely drenched in Holy Water and showing everything through those thin cassocks, prove that God is calling us and opening our hearts,” said 93-year-old Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone

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The Onion

Red Light Therapy: Myth Vs. Fact https://theonion.com/red-light-therapy-myth-vs-fact/

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The Onion

Spend. Never ask why. https://store.theonion.com/products/global-tetrahedron-infinite-growth-forever-t-shirt?variant=42183784005701

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The Onion

Regulars Angry Dive Bar Now Popular Enough To Be Financially Solvent https://theonion.com/regulars-angry-dive-bar-now-popular-enough-to-be-financially-solvent/

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Reposts: 82 ▼ 66%

Quotes: 10 ▼ 47%